Summer's End

 

 hello it has been awhile, a whole summer honestly. i've done a lot of things since last talking here. We ended up moving out to the country. Brought my trailer, n my gf is living in the studio so I get my own space. We have a couple dozen chickens and dont need to pay for eggs anymore which is poggers. I was in texas for July, saw some shows. Me and my GF got dumped by puppygirl so im wading through those feelings (week in bed, guitar covers, yknow.). I went to Makah Days festival again. Spent money I didnt have and didnt really get to do all the things I wanted to do, like see the Slahal or traditional dances, cause I was on my sister's time, and she had a lot going on she needed to get back home to. Its cool though, I saw some lighthouses on the drive back which for me has always symbolized a nod from the universe that I'm on the right path, that theres better things ahead. I still feel crazy a lot of the time, like my emotions and body dont match or arent real. My relationship with my mom has plummeted this year, which is heartbreaking in the wake of losing another close parental figure to cancer. I wish it wasnt so strained. I wish we could understand eachother, but everytime we talk on the phone I walk away feeling more hopeless. I know shes trying and she cares, and she just has a lot going on. Thats been the case since i was a teen so i dont think things will change, really. I can hope that they do. Its really challenging watching others around have stable housing/food/families, as if its just a right, though it seems like its a privilege. Seeing what people do with that privilege shouldnt bother me so much, but it does. I know everyone has different struggles that are relative to their experiences, and its very important to recognize that/validate peoples hardships. Idk, sometimes im like, how hard can it be when you have a guaranteed safety net/bed/meal/guidance? (these are my lower thoughts. I truly try to meet others with compassion, golden rule stuff. And its all relative. And i wouldn't wish any of these hardships on anyone. its probably just deep jealousy, which is a me problem.) I dont want to come across as a victim to my own life, its something my mom criticizes me about and thats not how I want to be. I'm sure theres something more I can always be doing to make it better. I'm sure our poverty is part of why we got dumped- its tough to rally through, and making your own fun when you cant afford things is an art in itself. I dont blame the people that have departed from my life, even if they say its not us ('its not you, its me' idk if ill ever believe that when i am so willing to change and grow for people.) Its kind of a lot to deal with. I don't even like dealing with it!!! Lol. Whatever, I have been through some stuff that makes all this look like a breeze, even if I get exhausted. I covered some Cyberbully Mom Club songs, available on my Bandcamp. And I start classes again in September. If you've read this, thank you and I'm so sorry lmao